Grace and Restoration

As told on www.dictionary.com...

grace -- the freely given, unmerited favor and love of God

Restoration --
1. the act of restoring; renewal, revival, or reestablishment.
2. the state or fact of being restored.
3. a return of something to a former, original, normal, or unimpaired condition.
4. restitution of something taken away or lost.

(fyi...I don't know where this is going...you've been warned. Not meaning to be philisophical, just transparent.)

I was talking with a new friend today, and she made the comment that she didn't think she really understood what grace and restoration really meant until coming through all that she came through. I nodded and just listened, 'cause when you get to sit and talk to someone who's been through some stuff and can sit and talk to you about grace and restoration and the love of Christ, listening is the only thing worth doing! But I have to tell you, I think know where she's coming from on the grace and restoration part.

I have a hard time getting my head around the concept of grace. Maybe not so much the concept of it, but the fact that I feel so unworthy of it just about all the time. I've seen grace played out throughout my life. And in reality I don't deserve it. But it's given to me all the same.

I get so tired of how we feel and probably make people feel like we've got to get it all together before coming to the cross. I feel like I've got to have it all together, when in reality, God, through the blood of Jesus, accepts me where I'm at...broken, sometimes lazy, can't seem to get it all together, feel like I'm losing it me. I don't know whether it's that I don't understand the concept of grace or that I'm too proud to accept it. I'm leaning towards the latter. I don't feel like I'm worthy of God's favor and grace, so my pride gets in the way of accepting it. Is this making any sense? Man, this is hard to get into words what I'm meaning, so if it's way out there, sorry.

This new friend also made the statement that self-hatred was an addiction. I think there are certain points in our lives that we're going to all have to face some day that will either make us or break us. Back in 2001 when my nephew died was one of those defining moments. I feel like I failed. Failed my sister, my family, and failed God because I didn't turn to Him in my grieving, but instead tried to make the pain go away by spending money and eating. I mean, those of you who knew me way back when can probably remember that I was a size 10 and coud play basketball and tennis with the best of them! I can certainly remember it. I'm also reminded of it every day I look in the mirror. Most of you may not know, though, that I didn't have an ounce of debt other than my student loans until after Dylan died. And if you're a regular reader of my blog, you know that one of my biggest struggles is the fact that I can't pay my bills most of the time. I never really thought that I hated myself. If I loved myself and the creation that God created me to be, though, would I have let it go this far? I mean, most of the time I literally didn't care what was happening to me. That's not love.

Do I know what grace means? The freely given and unmerited favor of God. That's powerful. Freely given and unmerited favor of God. Undeserved...nothing I can do to deserve it and yet it's still freely given. Thank you, Jesus!

Restoration...hmmm. I believe that God is doing a work in my life, trying to restore me. I'm so dissatisfied with everything right now. I don't like my job that I used to love...the "real" job. If I could pick up and move across the country, I would do it and just find something that would pay the bills for a while until I found out what it is that God's leading me to do. I know I'm in a transition period in my life right now. I'm ready for the changes, but I have to be able to accept the grace that God offers so freely though his son.

I've been a believer since I was 8, and I am still struggling with this. You'd think I'd know what grace and restoration really meant. I don't know that I've ever really grasped it. I don't think I've ever really thought about it. I'm so glad I met a new friend and just listened for a while.

So here's what I'm going to ask of you all: I would love your prayers that I would finally know the meaning of grace and restoration, whatever it takes. I'm assuming there will be some dealing with issues that I've pushed to the back of my head to deal with later. I'm also assuming it's not going to be fun. All I really want is to fall so in love with Jesus again. I want to get past the surface with people and have real relationships because that's what Jesus did, and in everything I do, I just want to give God the glory with a true and humble unashamed love.

Still Afraid by Sarah Kelly

Maybe I'm taken for granted
Maybe I don't understand
Maybe tomorrow will dawn a new day
Like I know it can
Maybe I am not forgotten
Maybe it's all in the plan
Maybe these burdens are weighing me down
And I've lost my strength to stand

Will you lift up my head when I'm weary?
Will you lift up my heart when I'm faint?
Though the road straight ahead is unsteady,
I'm trying, but I'm still afraidI'm still afraid

Your love's making me stronger
Somehow I'll be OK
Maybe when you need a light in the dark,
I'll help you find your way

Will you lift up my head when I'm weary?
Will you lift up my heart when I'm faint?
Though the road straight ahead is unsteady,
And I'm trying, but I'm still afraid
I'm still afraid
I'm still afraid