hmmm

I am the woman at the well
I am the harlot
I am the scattered seed that fell along the path
I am the son that ran away
I am the bitter son that stayed

My God, my God
Why has Thou accepted me
When all my love was vinegar to a thirsty King
My God, my God
Why has Thou accepted me
It's a mystery of mercy and a song, a song I sing

I am the angry man who came to stone a lover
I am the woman there ashamed before the crowd
I am the leper that gave thanks
I am the nine that never came

My God, my God
Why has Thou accepted me
When all my love was vinegar to a thirsty King
My God, my God
Why has Thou accepted me
It's a mystery of mercy and a song, a song I sing

You made the seed that made the tree
that made the cross that saved me
You gave me hope when there was none
You have my only Your son.

My God, my God
Why has Thou accepted me
When all my love was vinegar to a thirsty King
My God, my God
Why has Thou accepted me
it's a mystery of mercy and a song, a song I sing.
Lord, You are my God, my God
Lord, You are my God.
-- Caedmon's Call (can't remember the name of the song...probably My God)

I think this is going to be long...you've been warned.

I've got a picture hanging in my office that I got from one of my teachers for high school graduation. It's got a picture of a beautiful flower blooming in the middle of a crack in the desert sand and it says beneath it, "there are times in life when we're faced with the decision of giving up or going on." That's all it has to say because then you see the beautiful flower that never gave up. I love it. It sat on my desk throughout college and just was a great thing for me to see every day.

I know that Paul says to press on, but sometimes I wonder (like tonight at 1 a.m. when I can't sleep because I'm trying to make a decision) if giving up is the wrong thing to do. I mean, I think sometimes giving up can be exactly what we're supposed to do. I think I've been trying to hold on to something because it's what I've trained for and what I felt God was leading me to do. Now I don't know. I mean, I believe that I went through school and learned a trade and was put where I'm at for some reason, but I'm starting to feel like it's time to move on, and I've been fighting it....pretty hard. It's become an out-and-out spiritual battle...hence this sleepless night.

I'm so scared to quit this job 'cause maybe I'll go to something that doesn't pay the bills...not that this one pays them, but at least it I've got a job now and don't have to go out looking for one. To be quite honest with you, though, I don't feel like I would be "giving up," as I had mentioned above. Honestly right now I'm just confused and scared.

So here's what it boils down to: I've got to make a change in just about every aspect of my life...physically, emotionally, spiritually...and right now I'm kind of frozen. I'm not moving backward, but I'm definitely not moving forward either.

Remember what I said about breathing in and breathing out for the next 15 minutes a few posts ago? I think I need to be resuscitated.