what the what!?

Tonight I feel like writing. I don't know what about, so I thought I'd just sit down here at my computer and just start typing a blog entry. That is just a warning that I don't know where this is going, so don't blame me if it doesn't make sense...lol

I guess lately I've been just feeling like I'm on the cusp of something awesome. Like the next decision I make could radically change my life. Tonight I looked back...maybe that's why I'm so reflective and in a writing mood this evening. Looking back is always easier than looking ahead. I learned that pretty quickly in my walk of life. Looking back reflectively and trying to learn something from your past, that's not so easy. When the Israelites were fleeing Egypt and they looked back, they saw this Egypt that "really wasn't so bad." They were only slaves. They really weren't treated so badly. One of my favorite songs, "Painting Pictures of Egypt," talks exactly about that. "I've been painting pictures of Egypt, leaving out what it lacks. The future feels so hard and I want to go back. But the places that used to fit me cannot hold the things I've learned, but those roads were closed off to me when my back was turned."

Don't get me wrong, I don't want to go back. But sometimes I feel like it was easier then. I realized a little while back that it was easier because I didn't care. I didn't/couldn't feel. I didn't know how to show real emotion because I'd shut it out. It was easier. Honestly, I don't remember a lot about those "zombie" years. I think I was walking around consciously unconscious, if that makes sense. I don't have any reason or answer to why or how I woke up. I just started praying and asking God to help me feel again. I knew things were going to hurt bad, because not only had I not dealt with the hurt in my life up to that time, I'd been living "unconsciously" for three or four years and had a lot more to deal with. The first time I cried and unselfish cry was one of the most awesome days of my life. When I say unselfish cry, I mean crying because of someone else's circumstances and not my own. I wasn't crying because something had happened to me. Honestly I was crying because I'd just taken the deposition of a couple little girls who had been molested by their father. That was the only time he'd paid attention to them. I wasn't crying because something happened to me. I wasn't crying because I had cut my hand. I was crying because I ached for these little girls, and I had to walk away from them when I just wanted to give them a big hug and tell them everything was going to be all right.

So tonight I looked back. I realized that I feel on the cusp of something awesome because almost every decision I've made since that time has been a conscious decision, and that's been life-changing. All these little decisions are changing my life little by little to change it a lot. One day I'm going to wake up and not be able to remember how much I hurt now and how hard this time was, but I'll look back and be able to see that I've changed my life and my world and the world of everyone I touch.

I think that's on the cusp of something great.