Nobody Loves Me

"The truth is never sexy, so it's not an easy sell. You can dress her like the culture, but she'll shock 'em just as well, because she don't need an apology for being who she is."
Can I tell you that I love this song? I love this song. It's Nobody Loves Me by Derek Webb if you're not familiar with it.

I've had a bad day. I feel like I'm right on the cusp of some big awesome rockin' change, but where I'm at right now is scary and exciting and hard and tiring and emotionally and physically draining. And through it all God is good. I had a little pity party tonight. In fact, right now as I'm sitting here and typing these words to you, I'm feeling a little stress and all the emotions just coming up again, and yet I know that God is good, and He will provide...even though it hurts. What I'm finding myself thinking is, Okay, God. I've stepped into Your will and plan for me...so where's my windfall of blessings?

Sometimes I think we follow God's will in our lives expecting blessings and not out of complete obedience and faith. I don't think that's where I originally started, but somewhere along the lines I've started really hoping for an easier way...or at least one that doesn't hurt as much. I just keep thinking, Man, if someone would send me a check for the exact amount of my debt, then this will all be over with, and I can get on with my life, and I won't have to go through this. I think it's totally natural to feel this way, our human nature. I don't, however, think that it's God's will for us. Really, you know, in some cases it may be. I just don't think it's mine.

Sometimes I feel like the eight out of ten spies that went to the Promised Land and were defeated before they started the battle. Yes, it was the land of milk and honey, and it was everything that they had heard and more, but there were giants there and there was no way they could win. So let's just stay here where at least we can just barely get by and wander around aimlessly for 40 years. Sounds like a plan.

But then sometimes, and I've noticed that it's more often now than in previous years, I feel like Joshua and Caleb. Yes, it is the land of milk and honey, and it is everything we've heard of and, oh, so much more, and, yes, there are giants living there, but our God is mighty and he has already given us victory. Let's go and take our land!

Guess where I'm at tonight. But tomorrow is a new day, and God is good and gracious and merciful, so "I will praise You in this storm, and I will lift my hands. For You are who You are, no matter where I am. And every tear I've cried You hold in Your hand. You've never left my side, and, though, my heart is torn, Lord, I will praise You in this storm."

Thank You, Jesus.